[00:00:02] Speaker A: Hi, I'm Aisha and I'm a former host of mocha single mothers by choice, or smcs like you. As an SMC, I decided to become a mother knowing I'd be the sole care provider and parent for my children. At least at the outset, the mocha stood for black. So I'm using the word black, and I'll be discussing being a single mother by choice from a black woman's lens. You'll connect with all the interesting and fun things about this non traditional path, like discussing which sperm to use and some hard truths about fertility and the realities of dating as a single mother who doesn't have a co parent to rely on occasionally, and what it's actually like to parent as an s and c, this is the black single Mothers by Choice podcast.
[00:00:54] Speaker B: It's interesting when you hear the moms talk about what they were looking for in a donor. I'd say probably 50% of them would say I was thinking in terms of guys I would date, which is odd and interesting. My thoughts on this had evolved from my first child on through my second child. In the beginning, I actually thought I wanted to date to create a family unit. But as I progressed into parenting my daughter and trying for the second, I realized that I did not want to do that right. I realized that I wanted to date for me and not necessarily for a husband or a father figure. I just really wanted to compartmentalize the dating. So for me, what I'm looking for now is a strong person who is self aware, who is settled and just a solid human being that's a good person. But in terms of that dating, to move in, to get married, and so on, and I am not on a particular timeline. In my head, an ideal partner for me would be someone who is figuring out on their own or through a little bit of nudging how they can make it easy for me to be with them, carve out time to see them, but not necessarily share space with me. A whole lot of the times, if I get a sitter, we could netflix and chill. If we reach that point, I could go to your place and we can get a hotel, we can do outdoor outings. But I really am protective of my family space with my girls. And so that's where I've evolved to at this point, for someone to make it easy for me, they have to be really self aware to say, okay, am I adding more burden to her plate with everything that she's juggling outside of the kids? Am I adding more to that work, or am I making it easier. I think that's where the self aware part comes in. And when I was younger, did date men who had children and men who didn't have children. And there is a difference in terms of being self aware, knowing that you're not always top of mind for those who have kids. The first thing that I think about every morning is, are my girls safe? Right. And then anything else comes after that. So you're not necessarily going to be number one or number two, but also realizing that there are things that a single mom is navigating along with trying to date you. The financial aspects, work aspects as well. So when I think in terms of, okay, getting married, do I take their last name? Do they take my last name? What happens to my girls last names in all of this?
[00:03:49] Speaker A: Right.
[00:03:49] Speaker B: So that would be things that you consider as you're dating. I actually was dating a guy who was like, are you going to put me beneficiary on your life insurance policy? But also, as you progress in a serious, monogamous relationship with someone that you're looking to partner with, those things need to be discussed, because as an SMC mom, we are setting up college funds. We are making sure that our beneficiaries are in order, because I am one line of failure for these girls. And so it's my job to make sure that they get off on the right foot in life. And let's not even talk about blending families. Right? I think as an older, established SMC, the hairs go up on the back of my neck when I hear the younger thinking smCs, as the moms who are actively trying, just because I am very big on boundaries and I'm not sure how you walk that line between trying to conceive and knowing that you want to have a baby and you're tracking everything, and then you go and you have this guy that you're dating and you've got feelings for, and then out pops a condom, and it's just like, damn, all that free. And now you, if you're using a sperm bank, you also know the cost of all that free sperm. You're playing with fire. And it does get murky because if you're dating a guy and the guy catches feelings and he's like, wait for me. Let's see where this goes if we're not already there, where you're like, let's put a ring on it and let's run down this aisle after we trying to conceive fertility space time is of essence. And so, no, I'm not going to wait for you and sisters, if you're out there, don't wait because people are fickle. And so for me, I was dating while I was trying to conceive, my second, it went from one year to two years into three years. So I was dating. And it, it did become awkward at times because you're not feeling your best. Right. And then if you've had a pretty rocky road trying to conceive, you probably had a couple of miscarriages, which I did while I was seeing this guy. And having to talk through that with someone who you just want to look at as a piece of meat.
[00:05:56] Speaker A: Right.
[00:05:57] Speaker B: Just have, you're just one purpose, but then you want that support because then you have to explain why, yeah, we can't get down for the next couple of weeks or, and why and things like that. And then I also, when you're trying to conceive, you're taking all of these medications where they go just different parts of your body in your belly, but then also there are progesterone suppositories that you might be using.
They go into your body and then they drip out.
And so then you have to have that conversation about, what is this? I pretty much, I didn't start with my friends until I got pretty far in and I really needed a diversion to get back into myself. But I were. Anyone who is fairly young and you can expect it to be not the hardest path, draw that boundary because you won't get sucked into the emotions of it. Really focus on because there's a lot of detail that's involved, lots of tracking, lots of appointments, and you're probably going to need that energy. So I would just always recommend to keep it separate. And then also on the back end, what if you are successful? I didn't want anyone to have any idea that they have a claim on my pregnancy and that would cloud the experience. As far as a partner, my preferred compartmentalization. And I always thought that if I would start dating, I would not have the man meet my children onto a hard kind of timeframe. After dating casually, I find it's hard to keep that as a hard line because they come to pick you up and you're just like, hey, give me a second. I've got to situate the kids. And they meet the kids or the kids meet them. The one person I was seeing, my daughter, would be like, where did he go? And I'm just like, oh, he left. It's the end of the date, or they dropped me off or what have you. My approach is, I'll feel it out, right. Because the last thing I want to do is have my kids hearts get broken. If mine gets broken or I break someone's heart, and then my kid is, where's this? Where's the guy that we would see? So it's a balancing act. So I'm feeling my way. And also, being that we are single moms, we still want to model healthy relationships look like. Right. And healthy male female relationships. Right. And so they understand what love or respect looks like intuitively. And that's one of the driving forces for me to date again, is because I've got two girls, I want them to understand what it looks like to have someone care for you, what it looks like, not what it feels like, because they'll experience that, but what it looks like. So when we say someone who speaks to you respectfully, someone who is kind to you, someone who is kind to them and the people you love, and being able to see that, because kids taken so much through osmosis. When I was single, no kids, and was dating, I had all my stuff together. I'd say probably 75% of the guys I dated pretty much came with their stuff and were established. I will say this. There is a maturity piece that I mentioned earlier that is really important. It's an emotional maturity and things like that, because I think that there are journeys that you go on that help to reinforce that maturity. Changing career, starting a business, navigating home ownership and all of that stuff. But also that self awareness piece comes with maturity. Like, you have to know who you are and where you are. Because when I tell you, no, I got this because I'm trying to do something for my girls. But I need you to do this particular, specific thing. I need not to be offended by that, to understand that I am mature enough to ask for what I need, as well as tell you what I need in great detail. And there will be times where I'm like, yeah, I don't care how you do it. I just need you to do XYZ, like, anything that comes up with my car. I don't care how you do it. Just take it it fixed, get it cleaned. They threw up on the car seat. Please handle that and be okay doing that. Because I will tell you, the humbling part of being an SMC for me is that I absolutely realize that there are days where I will cry on your shoulder and the days that I will say, hey, I really need you to handle this for me. Come through. Come through for me on this and make it worth your while. Yeah. And I will say that. But for any man in our listening audience, if you want to date an SMC, ask about their kids. Right? Because that's important to us. So clue into what's important to us. Tell her she's beautiful, even when she's a mess. And be specific about what it is. Even though you've got that oatmeal in your hair, the way your eyes just shine. Ask about my kids. Bring a bottle of wine. Bring flowers. If you come to my house and I have kids, bring a piece of candy. Ask about my kids. You don't have to ask in great detail. Just recognize that I have them, they're here. And say, yeah, so how are the girls and blah, blah, blah? And then we move on. Okay, so I do have two things. Some of the tips and tricks of the trade as a single mom looking to date. All right, so I actually dated a guy, and this was around the time where my daughter was five months in, and I was just like, yeah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, she might have wet herself. And he said, why don't you take her nose and just rub it in the pee? I said, excuse me, she's not a puppy. That's how you podcast your puppy. When do you disclose her single mother? By choice.
And that's another one. I go by gut what feels right at the time, and the responses are quite interesting and can reveal a bit like, you'll get some people that just roll with it, and then you just go forward or what have you. So my approach is, if it comes up, mainly because some of the guys would be like, they've got kids. So I haven't really 1% had it come up, but it does come up probably within the first three to four conversations where it's just like, yeah, tell me more about your situation. And then when you say you use a donor, people are like, oh, is it really a donor or is it a baby daddy that you're just calling the donor? Which is a whole other ballgame. So I have had that happen. So I won a date. And so then I am strategic about how I structure my day to day life. I try to be in bigger places that would allow me exposure to people, because I don't think online dating is for me. I think I'm going to have to organically meet someone in my day to day running around. So when I'm navigating the world, I try to look sporty, cute, like easy clothes that fit well. I've got my favorite lip gloss I'll put on a bit of foundation try to make sure that my hair is neat or whatever just put together still a bit chic. I've always looked for jeans that fit nice but I will tell you I haven't ironed since my daughter was born and so anyway wash my jeans. I make sure I shake them out and neatly fold them so that all I'm doing is just unfolding them and putting on a nice top that fits well and so then these cute little flats and so then you just run and do a dash and pick up the kids.
[00:12:49] Speaker A: Wokod thank you so much for taking the time to listen. If you like what you've heard please share this podcast with your girlfriends and I'd love to hear your thoughts about the topics covered in this episode so email
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[00:13:12] Speaker B: Till next time pod bye now.
